Soapdish (1991)

• Directed by Michael Hoffman.

• Screenplay by Robert Harling & Andrew Bergman, story by Harling.

• I dig the opening credits – they’re like if a Saul Bass title sequence was eightified and/or done in the style of Roy Lichtenstein (though…minus the onomatopoetic text).

• We begin at the 32nd Daytime Television Awards (I guess we couldn’t get – or were not willing to pay for – the rights to the “Emmy” name), where the star of long-running soap “The Sun Also Sets,” Celeste Talbert (Sally Field), wins Best Actress, defeating costars Ariel Maloney (Teri Hatcher) and Montana Moorehead (Cathy Moriarty) in the process.

This adds more fuel to the castmates’ (apparently already burning) ‘We Hate Celeste’ fire; in fact, Montana is so desperate to get Celeste gone, her reactionary next step is to lure-seduce the romantic attention of the show’s producer, David Barnes (Robert Downey Jr.)…but simultaneously refuse to sleep with him until he successfully orchestrates Celeste being written off the show.

(The execution of Montana’s write-off dreams are made slightly tricky by the fact the show’s head writer – Rose Schwartz, played by Whoopi Goldberg – is Celeste’s BFF.)

• Young Paul Johansson is around, as Celeste’s current onscreen love interest, Bolt.

(I have nothing further to add to this point; he is just a soapy dude called Bolt.)

• The image of Celeste dumping bleach into the plants that “Adam” (who, by the way, we never meet) just told her to water via goodbye, breakup, answering-machine message – a bottle of vodka in her other hand, while she does it – is a fabulously devious good time.

• “What I feel like is Gloria fucking Swanson!” Celeste enragedly, yellingly protests when a new designer (Tawny Miller, played by Kathy Najimy) costumes her in a turban.

Sally Field is all in on this job and this character from the jump, in a way that reads as 75% unhinged, 1000% convincing, and I am 100% here for it.

(Also, if anyone is equipped to play an acting-while-acting role, where the character in question is on a (mostly) brainless TV show…it’s Sally Field. I bet she could do the ‘Dumb TV acting’ bit in her goddamn sleep.)

• “Why were you going with somebody from Pittsburgh in the first place?” Rose asks Celeste, when she learns of Adam’s departure.

“It was inevitable. It was inevitable because I’m a homewrecker and I’m old. They put me in a turban.” — Celeste

• When Rose & Celeste are eating lunch together in the studio’s dining room, there is a pair of (costumed) nuns sitting at the table next to them, in the foreground of the shot. This is twice-over funny and cannot be a coincidence.

[Edit: Oh God! (Ha.) Except it partially is an accident, because apparently SISTER ACT did not come out until 1992. Go figure!]

• David & Montana’s first attempt at plot sabotage backfires, when the girl-woman who is cast as the mute (if she doesn’t have any lines, the studio can pay her less) homeless person who Maggie (that’s Celeste’s character’s name) accidentally murders in a soup line (just go with it) turns out to be Celeste’s real-life niece Lori (Elisabeth Shue). Lori and her plot line are immediately loved by both audiences and the head of the studio – and rather than being scolded and/or fired, Rose is subsequently applauded for her creatively stellar work.

• There’s a fantastic shot around this time that begins by looking straight down on the perfectly aligned/centered, red boardroom table from above – then, in one beautifully smooth movement, swings around and down to land squarely and exquisitely on Garry Marshall (playing studio boss Edmund Edwards) at the head of the table. (I enjoyed this shot so much that I rewound the film to watch it three additional times.)(I have a great life outside of MovieWorld, I swear.)

• The neon-flamingoed set of the Florida restaurant in which Jeffrey Anderson (Kevin Kline) is performing dinner theater for seniors (he’s doing “Death of a Salesman”) is awesome and I love it.

(Jeffrey’s backstory is that 20 years ago, he was written off “The Sun Also Sets” following the fizzlement and/or implosion of his off-screen romance with Celeste.)

• It’s so cute to see Charlie Chaplin (aka: Downey Jr.) & Douglas Fairbanks (aka: Kline) pal-ing around again, just like old times!

[Edit: Except – shit, not again! CHAPLIN also did not come out until 1992!!!]

• “I have feelings about you, not for you – there’s a very big difference.” — Celeste, to Jeffrey, upon Jeffrey’s (Montana- and David-orchestrated) reappearance, in both Celeste’s onscreen and off-screen life.

• Surprise! In an appropriately, wickedly soapy twist – Lori is not Celeste’s niece, but rather her daughter. And Jeffrey is her father!!! Thank goodness Jeffrey & Lori’s quasi-date was a failure! (…Eek.)

• WOW, has this plot aged poorly. I was not expecting this from this movie.

The climactic live TV event, in which the actors perform lines they’re reading for the first time via teleprompter (what could possibly go wrong?) – and everyone collectively learns how poor Jeffrey’s eyesight is without glasses – is really funny and fantastically played by Kevin Kline (I will note quotes from this scene in a minute), however –

Towards the end of the misread-turned-improvised-dialogue fiasco, Rose and Ariel waltz into the restaurant/impromptu surgery room (Angelique (Lori’s character) has Brain Fever, dontcha know?) dressed as nurses, wielding a yearbook – and, right then and there, out Montana as a man (birth/dead name: Milton) to the entire cast and crew and (oh, no biggie) the several million people who are watching the live broadcast on national television.

I mean…ooof. Even in an over-the-top parody of a soap opera – this is a tough sell way to handle this reveal, when viewed through the better-sense perspective provided by today’s social landscape.

It is such an inconveniently insensitive plot turn – dropped so close to the end of the film – that all you can really do as an audience member is stare, semi-horrified at whatever mini-conclusions are then being presented for the other characters onscreen – because the ‘twist’ plummets the mood SO FAST, and so thoroughly. My. Goodness.

• Though it’s difficult to backtrack or redirect the tone of this commentary, following the poor-taste Moment o’ Shock that serves as the film’s ending – I do feel it’s important to communicate that, were that bit not to exist, the rest of the movie plays as a brash, intentionally batty, clever fun time. The individual performances – especially Sally Field’s – are highly enjoyable (which should come as a surprise to exactly no one, because hello – look at the names involved).

(Side note: you know you have a stacked cast when even the minorest, no-impact roles are played by people like Carrie Fisher (casting director Betsy Faye Sharon) and Ben Stein (“Nitwit Executive”). This was clearly a coveted project, y’all.)

• I will conclude by gifting you, as promised, the hilariously written and brilliantly performed dialogue of the ‘Jeffrey Attempts – And Fails – To Read The Teleprompter Without His Glasses’ scene:

Jeffrey (as Ron): “It seems that Angelique has a…rare case of…brake fluid. ……… [squints at screen] …Bran…fluid. Bran flavor.”

Celeste (as Maggie): “Brain fever.”

Jeffrey: “Yes.”

…

Jeffrey: “At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the…”

Celeste: “Literally explode?”

Jeffrey: “Exactly. Within the next three houses.”

Celeste: “Hours?”

Jeffrey: “Yes. …I would suggest leaving the restraint.”

Celeste: “The restaurant.”

Jeffrey: “Yes. The restaurant.”

• SOAPDISH is a film that – because of its ending – I will never recommend…but I imagine watching clips from it might serve as brief, giggle-inspiring entertainment.*

(* Also of value is that one boardroom table shot. That shit was DOPE!!!)